People who have C-PTSD  experience the same symptoms of PTSD, but they also suffer from additional symptoms such as:

• feelings of shame or guilt
• feelings of responsibility for the abuse
• difficulty controlling  emotions
• episodes of losing attention and focus (dissociation)
• physical symptoms like headaches, dizziness, chest pains, and stomach aches
• isolation from friends and family
• relationship difficulties
• destructive or risky behavior, such as  alcohol  or drug abuse
• suicidal thoughts

In addition to the C-PTSD symptoms above, there are some additional ones to be aware of:

• unnecessary worrying
• adrenal burnout
• chronic inflammatory disorders
• mental exhaustion
• various forms of anxiety
• depression/ or loss of pleasure
• black-and-white thinking
• digestive disturbances
• weight loss or weight gain
• self-gaslighting: a form of self-doubt that contributes to codependency. The consequence of living in a hostile environment and lacking adequate emotional support.

Emotional triggers

Traumatic experiences are not stored linearly as stories, but as fragments of sensory input: smells, sights, sounds, touches, tastes. These stored fragments can become the “triggers” that alert us to recurring danger or threats. Triggers are highly sensitive and reactive emotions that are activated by our environment or another person’s behavior or words. When we become triggered, we automatically react without any thought. There is often a sense of losing control of ourselves. When we become triggered because of C-PTSD, it becomes challenging to navigate our daily lives and relationships.

If we’re triggered, we may quietly emotionally withdraw, or we may react rather intensely and aggressively. Either way, it’s because we’re defending ourselves against a perceived threat, whether it’s a real threat or just feels like one.

Our emotional triggers are wounds that still need to heal. For example, a friend makes a casual remark, and for some reason, you suddenly and without warning, hear yourself snap back with a cutting and intentionally hurtful remark. You don’t know what came over you. You weren’t in a bad mood or feeling angry, but immediately as the comment was made, you instinctively reacted swiftly and defensively to shut them down and protect yourself. You intuitively understand that you wounded and confused your friend, but you don’t know why. Later, after you’ve taken the necessary time to reflect on and process what happened, you realize that at the moment you heard the comment, you instantly felt distraught, confused, and full of self-doubt. In effect, you felt instantly inferior. It was as if a “switch” had been flipped.

You also recognize that the remark was not said to intentionally hurt you, and yet you deliberately reacted viciously, with a desire to inflict pain. So you decide to apologize to your friend. You understood now that the remark activated one of your triggers, and your triggers are your responsibility.

Get to know your triggers. We can never know all of our triggers because we’re usually not aware of them until they happen. Triggers are created by consistency and repetition. We develop new ones throughout life because we’re continually partaking in new life experiences. Once you have an idea of what your triggers are, you can form appropriate responses to them and have them ready for the next time. You can also replace your triggers by questioning their validity. Whether it is or isn’t, get rid of unrealistic expectations and cut yourself some slack. You are not perfect. There is no such thing as perfection. You’re a human being who doesn’t know everything and never will, but you’re learning and growing every day. Is that not enough?

Survivors of complex trauma often have difficulty forming attachments to other people. An unfulfilled longing for connection can be a cause of deep-seated loneliness, which may further contribute to developing other symptoms. Depression and risky or self-destructive behaviors are often attributed to a lack of emotional connection. It makes sense that the treatment process for C-PTSD includes learning ways to strengthen the ability to feel attached to others while at the same time feeling safe, secure, and loved. It is “an extremely difficult process”  but not impossible. (Franco, F. 2018).

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn to recognize the Cycle of Abuse

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

I’ve said this before, and it’s worth repeating: If you think your mother’s a narcissist, you don’t need a “diagnosis” or a label for you to determine that your relationship with her is unhealthy. If there’s a pattern of ongoing power struggles, manipulation, gaslighting, or cruelty, and it causes you to doubt your memory, judgment, or sanity, your relationship is most likely toxic. The best course of action is to accept that you cannot change or control her behavior. You can only control your own, and when you understand this, the ball is truly in your court. The next moves are up to you.

During this particular course of therapy, I was encouraged to read the research done in the late 1970s by Dr. Claudia Black, Ph.D. Her line of inquiry concerned how children are affected by a parent’s substance abuse. It was she who started the “adult child” movement and who identified the rules that dysfunctional families live by: “Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel.” I learned that, indeed, I had many of the same issues as ACoA, even though my mother was not an alcoholic. I discovered that, much like my own childhood environment, ACoAs grew up in an unpredictable, often chaotic atmosphere. Inconsistency, irregularity, lack of supervision, no personal boundaries, and little to no parental involvement are the norm in an alcoholic home, just as they had been in my own. It seemed that the ACoAs and I were all preoccupied with our mother’s dysfunctional and irrational behavior. We felt like we were always in fight or flight survival mode. We frequently took our parent’s “emotional temperature” and adjusted our own moods and conduct accordingly.

Because they were so busy emotionally and sometimes physically taking care of their mothers, ACoAs’ emotional needs went unmet, just as mine had. As adults, we had difficulty identifying our feelings and caring for ourselves. It was an astounding discovery for me to learn that other kids grew up in households like my own and that we shared some of the same challenges as adults, seemingly related to our upbringings.

What happens when you begin to experience Narcissistic Awareness Grief?

At some point during those years, when I was actively pursuing healing and personal growth, the idea was broached by a therapist that my mother likely had an undiagnosed and untreated mental illness, probably a personality disorder. Hearing this news was exciting and validating because I had suspected as much for a very long time. Although I was employed as a mental health professional myself, diagnosing my mother without her knowledge or consent, though fun to think about, would have been unprofessional, to say the least.

As I came to grasp the reality of the impact that my mother’s illness had on me, I felt a gamut of emotions—denial, sadness, rage, and everything in between and back.

You see, when we discover that the traumatic lifestyle we’ve endured as children has an actual name, it’s a huge relief at first. There’s an initial rush of validation, and we suddenly realize that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy, and that we haven’t imagined it. Narcissistic abuse is a real thing, and now we realize that we can deal with and recover from it.

For those of you who are beginning to (or have recently,) become aware that your mother’s worldview is the major problem, not any shortcoming within yourself, you’re likely feeing a colossal torrent of conflicting emotions, and you may not understand why. As you begin to accept this new way of perceiving and understanding your mother, you may have the dawning sense of awareness that your mother’s perspective is dysfunctional and that there is nothing—and there never was—anything inherently wrong with you, as you may have been conditioned to believe. You’re most likely starting to experience Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG).

Narcissism Awareness Grief (NAG) begins when we become aware of our mother’s narcissism and begin to realize the ways it impacted us.

The Six Stages

Much like the famous Kubler-Ross “five stages of grief,” there are several stages of Narcissism Awareness Grief. They’re not linear, so they’re not experienced in any particular order. In fact, we can go back and forth between the stages throughout the process of grieving. But every step must be experienced before we can get to the final stage, which is “acceptance.” It’s possible to become stuck in any phase for any length of time and to never actually enter into acceptance.

The difference between the two grief models is that narcissism awareness grief has an additional and essential phase called “Rewriting.” This is where healing begins in earnest.

1. Denial: After reading, thinking, processing, and talking about maternal narcissism, you may begin to entertain the idea that your mother might actually be on the narcissism spectrum. This idea may be something you’ve never conceptualized before. Thinking it may make you uncomfortable. Even if you’re certain that she is afflicted, you might continue to minimize the impact it’s had on you until you reach the point where you can’t any longer. At that juncture, you’ll begin to become aware of the scope of her illness and how it impacts the people in her life.
2. Anger. The anger that follows can be intense. You may be angry with yourself for not seeing the narcissism before; you may be fuming with previous therapists who did not see it. You may be irate with family members who encouraged you to listen to or believe your mom and furious with anyone who believed in your mother’s false face. I believe that what we are feeling in this stage is righteous indignation, which is a natural response to mistreatment or abuse. If we witness injustices like someone being mistreated, bullied, or abused in any way, we automatically feel righteous anger. This kind of anger is hugely motivating for change.
3. Bargaining. This is a way of regrouping, a kind of reboot. You may question your reality and wish your childhood had been different. I remember wondering, Why did I have to get her as my mother? What would my childhood have been like if I’d had a mother who was able to truly love and care for me more than her own image? You may have these kinds of thoughts too, or you might even shame yourself with ideas like, Why didn’t I see this sooner? I’m so stupid. I’ve wasted so much of my life listening to and believing her. Many of your questions will have no real answer. I cried a lot at first, in fact, any time I thought about it. You may cry too or feel a profound sense of loss and sadness. Like me, you may feel robbed of your childhood and anger at the injustice of that happening to you. It’s essential to see that, in this stage, you may actually be doing what your mother would do to you: insult you, berate you, and question the validity of your thoughts and feelings. But you actually need to go through this dark period so you will be able to enter the rewriting phase of grieving.
4. Depression: When I understood that I could not “help” my mother to change, or get her to see me differently, or change her worldview, I became very, very sad. When it began to dawn on me that she would never change—that she was incapable of change—my sadness turned into depression. I had formed a rudimentary understanding that I would have to live with this new information from now on and that I would have to change the way I interacted and related to her for my own protection. I saw that I had missed multiple unrecoverable opportunities in my life because I had internalized her limited and incorrect beliefs about me. I saw how my relationships, in fact, every aspect of my life, had been negatively impacted by her faulty ideas and opinions of me. I was working on accepting the fact that there was nothing I could do to make my mother interested in me as a person or to receive me in my imperfection. I had to accept that she would continue to belittle, shame, blame, and intimidate me and that she would never feel a bit of remorse, let alone apologize to me. She was going to remain manipulative, critical, blaming, and attention-seeking. It was a heavy feeling to recognize that I had a lot of work ahead of me, to reconcile the past and to heal while my mother felt no accountability or responsibility for what she had done.
5. Rewriting/revising: This stage is exclusive to NAG, and it’s where we can really do a lot of healing. It’s about taking this new understanding of maternal narcissism and applying it to our past. When we begin to accept our mother’s narcissism, we begin to understand how seeing ourselves the way our mother saw us has negatively impacted our lives. So now we begin to see things differently. We form new ideas about ourselves from this new information about our mother’s illness. We can think new thoughts like, My mother was not capable of feeling maternal love because of her illness. It had nothing to do with me. I am and always have been lovable. My mother wasn’t capable of feeling empathy. It wasn’t that I didn’t matter. I always mattered, but she couldn’t see it or acknowledge it, and I have flaws, and that’s absolutely OK. Everybody does. There is no such thing as perfection, but my mother continues to chase this false ideal. Too bad for her. When we update our historical view of ourselves by using this new information about narcissism, we can transform ourselves. We can begin to see ourselves in a whole, fresh, healthy light. For many of us, this is the beginning of discovering that we are likable and that we like ourselves and that we matter. We start prioritizing self-care and begin setting healthy personal boundaries, quite possibly moving into the happiest time of our lives.
6. Acceptance: Once we work our way through the stages mentioned above, this final piece comes pretty effortlessly. We finally accept our mother’s narcissism as the permanent disability it is. We see her narcissism as a revelation of sorts, and there’s an exciting feeling of freedom when we understand that we don’t have any responsibility or the ability to change her. We are finally able to let go of the workings of our dysfunctional childhood and welcome the knowledge that narcissists don’t change, which makes them very predictable. Now we can anticipate her behavior and using this knowledge can make engaging with her feel safer, or at least more tolerable. As our expectations change, we may experience the serenity we never thought possible. Now we can determine what kind and how much exposure we will subject ourselves to, and we can plan accordingly. Some of us may decide to have no contact at all, and some may choose to have limited contact with strict enforceable boundaries. For example, when my mother starts to belittle or humiliate me, I will end the conversation, leave the room, etc. In other words, we can now determine which of her behaviors we are willing to put up with, and for how long. Isn’t that amazing?

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

When children experience trauma and educators can understand its impact, trauma-informed interventions can be developed, which reduces the resulting negative consequences. Communities have also become involved in decreasing ACEs, preventing abuse and mistreatment, and creating more positive outcomes for children and their families (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2016).

Why are Adverse Childhood Experiences important?

Adverse Childhood Experiences are the environmental influences that challenge a child’s sense of safety, stability, and attachment. They include but are not limited to physical and verbal abuse, neglect, addiction, alcoholism, mental illness, and violence.

The data collection questionnaire used for gathering the ACE data is known as the “Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) quiz,” and the score is the total count of specific indicators of a turbulent childhood. The harsher the childhood, the higher the score, and the higher the risk for health and other problems later in life such as risk-taking behaviors, chronic health conditions, mental illness, substance abuse, decreased or limited life-potential, and early death (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2019).

The ACE quiz measures 10 types of childhood trauma, five of which are personal: physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, and physical or emotional neglect. The remaining five are related to family members, for example, an alcoholic parent, family member affected by domestic violence, incarcerated family member,  mentally ill family member, or living in a  single-parent household due to divorce, death, or abandonment. There are many kinds of childhood trauma, but only 10  are included in the ACE quiz because they were the most frequently mentioned by the members of the research group.

Each kind of traumatic experience scores one point. For example, a person who’s been verbally abused and has one mentally ill parent, and lives in a single-parent home has an ACE score of three.

If other types of abuse or neglect were experienced, including extended periods of toxic stress, those would also increase the likelihood of compromised health in adulthood.

The ACE score is only a guideline. Positive childhood experiences can protect against many of the adverse outcomes, even after the trauma has occurred. (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention 2016). Some people who have high ACE scores, including myself, can recover and do well as adults. Resilience, a subject of ongoing research, is thought to be a key component to recovery.

Where can I take the ACE quiz?

If you’re interested in taking the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz, you’ll find it here.

Trauma bonds can keep us stuck in codependency. The first step to breaking a trauma bond is becoming aware that one exists. Gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, and trauma bonding all contribute to developing a disorder called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

You’re likely being gaslighted if:

• Your narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries, at some point, they will be used against you in some manner. Again, this allows the narcissist to feel superior to you as a form of supply.
• Your narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes, they may say they know what you’re thinking, and if you tell them they’re wrong, they’ll believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes at you or make a disgusted face, even state that you’re lying. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
• Your narcissist has you do things for them that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
•  If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you know it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or that she didn’t feel well, or wasn’t at home. She just expected me to do this without question. Growing up this way, I believed this was normal. Later, in my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to do it anymore. It felt wrong, and it felt like I was being used. I thought that she should, as the adult, speak to the other adult herself. She made it known that she was disgusted with me for expecting her to be honest or at the very least, to do her own lying. The ironic thing here is that my mother was very vocal about how much she detested liars. She took a strong stand against lying and stated that once someone lied to her, she could never trust them again. She touted herself as a truthful and honest, trustworthy person.
• Your narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s wrong with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, that you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and in control of you, and your relationship.
• Your narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real, is not accurate, real, correct or factual. Then will then tell you what is.
• Your narcissist tells you that your memory is faulty. Narcissists may recall or retell a memory very differently than you, which is OK, since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good and righteous, but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.

What does gaslighting do?

Gaslighting can have severe effects, especially if it’s ongoing. You may find yourself lying if it helps you avoid the stress of having your reality discarded and re-written. Or you may lie simply to avoid the inevitable arguments. You’ll do what needs to be done to prevent your narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive. 

A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance. It’s one of the most challenging aspects to healing because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition and our sense of trust, indeed sometimes our whole perception of reality. Because we may have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and we convince ourselves that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct.

How does being gaslighted feel?

There’s a feeling of things not “adding up,” and you get confused and disoriented easily, when having arguments or conversations with them. You may possibly feel as if reality isn’t actually “real.” I came to think of these discrepancies as a flaw within myself, instead of in my mother. I had obsessive thoughts, trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed myself, knowing what I saw or heard, and what I was told that I saw or heard (or didn’t see or hear.) The internal conflict this causes often leads to us accepting that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct. This is called cognitive dissonance. It’s a way of making sense of what’s happening, to feel less confused.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist who’s gaslighting you, you may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions, and your own reactions may be determined to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may start to wonder why your narcissist gives you strange looks that make you question yourself. Fearful for your mental health, you worry that you might be losing your mind. You might begin thinking that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. You likely feel confused all the time, but your observations are never validated.

You’ll even come to doubt your own memory. This was a big one for me. Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” or “You dreamed it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived, and therefore remembered, events incorrectly had me in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my own judgment and perceptions.

This form of abuse leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. You may feel surreal, like you’re invisible, or like you don’t exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy” around the edges, and you can’t think clearly. You probably have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations. 

And while you’re struggling with all of this, your narcissist will continue to play the mind games, twisting your perception of reality.

Eventually, you may begin to depend on your narcissist to tell what’s real and what isn’t. You’ll rely on them to tell you what happened, how it happened and how you should remember it. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will depend on their interpretation of it. You’ll begin to lose your sense of self. If this happens, you’ve likely started to dissociate and become the version of “you” that your narcissist already believes you are.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The amygdala is a structure that’s part of this system. We have two amygdalae, one on either side of our brains. It’s considered the “emotional” brain because it’s highly involved with memory and the connected emotional responses.

The amygdala’s job is to convert and move information out of short-term memory into long-term memory and to connect emotions to these memories (Krause-Utz et al. 2017).

Fight or Flight

Whenever we experience any traumatic episode, a hormone called adrenalin is released from our adrenal glands. This action causes a memory of the trauma to be created in our amygdala. The memory is not stored linearly like a story. Instead, it’s saved according to how our five senses experienced the trauma as it happened. So, the traumatic memories are stored as bits of visual images, smells, sounds, tastes, or physical contact. The amygdala then gives meaning and a particular degree of emotional intensity to this event.

If the amygdala is continually on high alert, overstimulated from adrenalin from a real or a perceived threat, our emotions won’t become self-regulated like they’re supposed to. When emotions aren’t self-regulated, we continue to respond to old, buried memories with an automatic, knee-jerk behavior called “triggering.” Triggering is caused when the brain has lost the ability to distinguish between something that is a threat and something that’s not. The amygdala misinterprets input from our senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, and/or skin, as being dangerous or threatening, even when it’s not.

And if we continually live in this high-alert, fight or flight survival mode, we’ll likely begin using coping methods that aren’t good for us. We may lie, depend on drugs, overeat, steal, or do whatever it takes to help us cope with the unmanageable stress. 

Another essential structure within the limbic system is the horseshoe-shaped hippocampus.

The hippocampus also plays a role in moving information from short-term to long-term memory, but its job is cataloging memories for eventual storage and retrieval and developing new memories about past experiences.

The hippocampus is in charge of remembering locations for objects and people. When we remember that we left our keys on the kitchen counter, we’re using our hippocampus. We use the hippocampus for spatial memory, navigating, and orientation. Without it, we wouldn’t remember where the kitchen counter is or how to get there from where we are in relation. This is critical information about our surroundings, and we rely on it to find our way around.

The hippocampus continues to be the focus of research regarding cognition (understanding through thought, experience, and senses) and memory-retention in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Kolassa and  Elbert 2007).

Differences between PTSD and C-PTSD

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) results from a series of trauma-causing events, or one prolonged event, whereas PTSD is usually related to a single traumatic event. This repeated exposure causes additional symptoms not experienced by people with PTSD. C-PTSD can be the result of narcissistic abuse because our very being, who we are at our core, is continually attacked or threatened when we’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Common symptoms of C-PTSD are flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, excessive startle reaction, and habitually thinking about the traumatic event (McClelland and Gilyard 2008).

Children who experience neglect or ongoing traumatic abuse are at risk for developing complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), depression, self-harming behaviors, and conditions like anxiety, conduct, attachment, eating, substance use, and other disorders. When these children become adults, they’ll be at risk for revictimization, and physical illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, and immunological disorders. Research shows that women who’ve endured childhood abuse-related PTSD may also have altered brain structures, and their cognitive functioning may also be impaired as compared with women who were abused but not diagnosed with PTSD or women with no history of abuse. Abuse-related PTSD is associated with a reduced ability to focus and categorize information. When the attention and memory encoding activities of the limbic system are suspended due to real or perceived threats, verbal language ability may also become impaired (Ford 2017).

We learn our value as people as well as how to develop healthy, supportive relationships by interacting with our primary caretakers and family members. Kids who’ve been neglected or abused by a caretaker find it challenging to form a healthy attachment to them. If our caretaker was emotionally unstable, neglectful, or abusive, we might have learned that we can’t trust or depend on others to meet our needs. Studies indicate that children are more susceptible to stress and its related illnesses when they’re unable to create a healthy attachment to their caretaker. They may have difficulty interacting with authority figures like teachers and other adults. They struggle with managing and expressing their emotions, and they may react inappropriately or even aggressively in specific settings. Later in life, they may have difficulty sustaining romantic relationships and friendships.

Those of us who have experienced maternal narcissistic abuse may eventually find ourselves in an abusive, toxic, or less-than-satisfying adult relationship.

It’s not hard to see why. It makes sense: this person’s behavior and way of relating to us seem familiar, and we already know our role and what’s expected of us in the relationship.

Tools:

Learn about codependency

Learn about adverse childhood experiences

Understand the Cycle of Abuse

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Growing up in a home where there’s no emotional inter-connectedness with our family members or no real communication, often leads to experiencing feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored, invisible or insignificant as a child,  it’s easy to continue using these same maladaptive relationship patterns after we become adults. As a result, we may continue to let others make our decisions for us without the benefit of us sharing our thoughts or feelings. We choose to silence our voices because we believe that what we say doesn’t matter. We give away our personal power because we’re not even aware that we have any power.

When we’ve been traumatized by narcissism, alcoholism, addiction or any other type of toxicity, whether as a child or as an adult, we often feel like we can’t talk about it with others. We prefer to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves because we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Sometimes we criticize and judge ourselves for becoming isolated, or for being in a particular situation, or with a certain person. Sometimes we fear other’s judgment or criticism of our choices, and sometimes it simply feels like no one will be able to understand. We may feel at fault for our circumstances and we isolate ourselves to hide our shame and our secrets.

Brene’ Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and she’s well known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Brene’ firmly believes that we have to “walk through vulnerability to get to courage”, therefore . . . we should “embrace the suck.”

In her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”, Ms. Brown describes shame as a “silent epidemic”, something that everybody experiences at some point in their lives.

She goes on to say that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”. Personally, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shame is associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. (habitsforwellbeing.com)

~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~

Patterns of Isolation 

By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong”, or by judging ourselves as “not good enough”, we close ourselves off from others. This avoidance-tactic can be used to hide from ourselves or from others, and even from reality. There are lots of ways to hide! We can hide physically, mentally, spiritually and/or emotionally. We may stop socializing and interacting. We may feel like keeping secrets and hiding or cocooning so we begin keeping to ourselves, and not reaching out for help or support. We may emotionally (or physically!) push others away. We interact with friends or family less often and when we do, topics of conversation become superficial, and we steer clear of conversations about our personal or home-life. We avoid any chance of getting emotionally triggered or of triggering others. We avoid embarrassment by not accepting social invitations. 

What we’re actually doing is trying to avoid potential or imagined pain. 

The Power of Our Thoughts

“Closed-thinking” is an orderly and pretty inflexible task-based way of thinking. When we use a closed-thought process, we focus solely on “the goal”, and getting something accomplished. We’re pressured and probably feel stressed because there’s usually a time-limit or due date involved. Even self-imposed due dates can feel stressful.

Conversely, “open-thinking” feels more relaxed.  When we use open-thinking we don’t feel rushed because there is no hurry, there is no “due date.”  We don’t feel pressured or stressed. With open-thinking, we enjoy the process of “playing around” with our beliefs and ideas instead of focusing on time-sensitive outcomes.

Is it surprising to know that isolation thrives on closed-thinking? It’s no wonder isolation can feel so suffocating and hopeless.

We all have the ability to use open thinking, but many of us don’t have experience using our minds this way. Maybe we never learned how, or we never saw it modeled. Maybe life simply feels too heavy or serious right now to “play around” with ideas. Perhaps the idea of learning a new way of thinking makes us tired or uncomfortable.

Trying to learn how to think openly can certainly feel uncomfortable at first, and using this less restrictive process will remain difficult if we don’t practice.

Thinking openly means that we give ourselves time to daydream about possibilities and the space to read and research and envision scenarios. “What if” we were to do this instead of that? What would that look like? How might it feel? Open thinking involves thinking creatively (instead of purely logically) and collaborating with others. Bouncing ideas off somebody we respect and trust can show us new perspectives and can open up new possibilities.

Breaking Isolation

Breaking our isolation means that we have to begin trusting people and changing our perspective. We have to start taking chances and participate in our life. Sharing ourselves with others and getting comfortable with our own vulnerability are the antidotes for isolation. 

Brene’ Brown says: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough” and “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”.

Her research findings can effectively be summarized in this statement: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Try reaching out to someone today. Just do one thing to break your isolation. Letting yourself be vulnerable will get easier with practice, I promise.

Tools:

• Self-care
• Identify the Cycle of Abuse
• Recognize codependent coping skills
• Everyone makes choices. Are you choosing to stay in suffering-mode? Why or why not?
• Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference between reacting and responding. Try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
• Have a plan for ending the isolation.
• Reframe your viewpoint: a shift in perspective can help us to determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t waste emotional energy on less important things. Perspective is everything.
• Be open to new ideas that we weren’t open to in the past. Open-mindedness will help us take advantage of new resources as they become available.
• Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
• Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
• Live in the present: Be willing to give up worrying about the future. The future doesn’t exist, so we can’t predict or control it. Give up worrying about the past too because the past doesn’t exist either, it’s a mental construction. The past is the “snapshot” we hold of an event that was processed by our own personal and unique filters. Focusing on the present moment is the only state of being that we can actually influence.
• I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
• Set boundaries 
• Do things you enjoy or that make you feel good. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 

More Brene’ Brown Quotes:

“When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

 “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.