What’s going on here?

When we stop and take a closer look, anger can provide us with important information. When you understand what is triggering your anger, you can heal those triggers. When your triggers are healed, you’ll be able to feel angry without over-reacting. You’ll be able to feel angry and still be in control of what you say and do. Learning to control anger and its triggers are a step in learning “emotional regulation,” something that you may not have gotten a chance to do as a child.

Anger is actually a secondary emotion. When you get angry, it feels like it’s the first and only emotion you feel, but that’s not what’s really happening. What actually happens is that you feel something else first, before the anger, and THAT emotion is what triggers the anger. In all likelihood, you have a memory or experience an event, and your mind interprets it so quickly that you don’t even notice it, but you feel something. That “something” triggers the anger.

“Emotions” are feelings that have thoughts connected to them. Understanding this, you will see the importance of your interpretation of that first fleeting feeling (and trigger) that ignites the anger. It’s that first thought, that interpretation which gives meaning to the event or memory and sparks the anger.

For those of us healing from the effects of someone’s probable or diagnosed narcissism, or chronic toxicity, our anger is most likely associated with painful past experiences. If you haven’t dealt with those traumatic experiences, your anger will be triggered more easily. You may feel angry much of the time.

Feeling anger is also a way of protecting ourselves. Have you ever thought of that? Sometimes we use anger to keep others at a distance so we don’t get hurt again. This can become an internal conflict: we don’t want to feel angry, but we don’t want to be hurt again either.

In my childhood family of origin, the rules were that it was OK for my mother to openly display anger at whomever she chose, for any reason, but I was not allowed to express anger without risking punishment. If we grew up with a mother who was intolerant of anyone’s anger but her own, then as adults we have some specific challenges that need to be dealt with. If we were not allowed to express all of our emotions, including anger, because they were judged or punished, we may have learned that anger is bad, frightening, useless, unfair, should be avoided, denied, or held inside.

When you grow up believing these things about anger and enter adulthood holding these beliefs, you’ll likely behave in ways that demonstrate that you believe your anger is useless or irrelevant (victimhood), or you may not know how to express anger in a healthy manner. You may even feel guilty for having angry feelings. Guilt on top of anger. Great!

These are aspects of “Childhood Emotional Neglect,” which occurs when parents don’t notice, respond to, or validate their child’s feelings, including anger.

Essentially, if we’ve been emotionally neglected, we’ll have no coping mechanisms for dealing with anger, and we may become passive-aggressive. (This means that we’ll act out our anger by doing things that don’t look like they’re done in anger but are the result of feeling angry. Passive aggression includes behaviors like: making intentional “mistakes,” procrastinating something that’s important to someone else, disguising criticism as compliments, feeling resentful, sabotaging, ignoring, slamming and banging objects, and saying “nothing’s wrong” when your behavior or body language clearly says there is.

Let’s unpack it

Our reactions are what’s important, not the memory or event itself. A memory or an event doesn’t really have any meaning until we give it one. Think about that.  

We give the memory or event a meaning with our interpretation of it. We interpret memories and events so that we know how to think about and deal with them. And while you’re interpreting, you’re also making judgments (whether you’re conscious of it or not) about whether that memory or event is “good,” “bad,” or “neutral.” That decision is based on how you’re emotionally feeling at the time.  Here’s an example I use in the book “Lemon Moms”:

Can the weather cause you to feel an emotion? If you’re inside today, cozy and warm, with nothing planned, and it begins to storm, do you feel any emotion about it? What emotion would you feel? Would others feel the same way about it as you do? Why or why not? If you’re getting married today, and it begins to rain, you’ll probably experience some feelings about it that might be different than how you’d usually feel about rain. You might be disappointed, angry, or sad. What else might you feel? Is the rain causing those feelings, or is your interpretation of it causing your feelings? Do you see the difference?

If you’re a farmer, anticipating the end of a long, detrimental drought, you’d probably be ecstatically happy about the rain. It would mean that you wouldn’t lose your crops, and you’d have some income to pay your bills, replenish your supplies, and pay your employees.

In each example, the meaning, or “interpretation” given to “rain” is very different, and the resulting emotions will align with that meaning.

If I ask ten people about how they feel about it the next time it rains, I’d get ten different answers. That’s important to remember. Our reactions are all about our interpretation and the judgment we give to the initial feeling.

So, why is that?

Our interpretations and judgments have to do with our expectations and our emotional state.

As we know, emotions are not data; they’re not factual. Emotions are driven by chemicals in our bodies, called hormones. They are also affected by other variables such as our environment, physical health, age, worldview, self-talk, sleep quality and quantity, stress levels, food choices, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and much more. All of these, and more, can and do affect our emotional state.

If you have a particular memory, or an event, that causes you to feel angry, you need to unpack that angry reaction step-by-step and look at all of the pieces involved. Right before the anger, what do you feel? Maybe you feel belittled? Humiliated? Shamed? Unimportant? Ignored? Not mattering to someone? Slighted? Insulted? Mocked? Dismissed? There’s a pretty good chance that you feel one of those, or something closely related.

Those primary feelings triggered the anger, NOT the memory or the event. NOT what the person said or didn’t say, did, or didn’t do. Yep, you heard that right. The first fleeting, almost imperceptible feeling that you felt (insulted, dismissed, unimportant, etc.) came from your interpretation and judgment of the memory or event, and is what triggered your anger.

Let’s say someone just did or said something, and you felt that they were saying (or thinking) that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. and you immediately felt angry. But upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY it. That was your interpretation of what they said. The meaning of what was said is coming from you! Can you see that? Your interpretation may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. It just feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what happens next?

This interpreting happens quickly and you’re probably not aware of it when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, if you start to apply conscious awareness, you will become more and more aware of it.

You’ll see that the meaning and judgment cause you to feel some primary emotion; shame, feeling unimportant, dismissed, disrespected, mocked, etc. That primary emotion triggers your anger. Once you’re aware of this process, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation is accurate or not.

Why are you giving the memory or event that particular interpretation? Why not a different one? Look deeper to see what else is happening that could be impacting your perception and judgment.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal those triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it. Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” in your brain. With a little practice, you’ll begin responding to your triggers in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool that you control, rather than as an emotion that controls you.

Any time you feel angry, whether it’s slightly ticked-off, annoyed, or full-blown furious, get in the habit of asking yourself, “Why am I angry right now? What was the primary emotion I felt?” “What interpretation have I given it?” “Why am I giving it that interpretation instead of some other?” It’ll bring you a step closer to learning how to regulate your emotions, and that’s something many of us didn’t get to learn, if we grew up in an emotionally neglectful home.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief

About the author

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

The Revelation

It took me a while for some reason, but I finally realized that the way I was working was not conducive to happiness, health, or a sense of mental or emotional well-being. My priorities had to change if I wanted to not only stay sane but enjoy working from home. So I changed them.

Work is important, sure, especially when you’re your own boss and you’re doing the work of several people. But I finally remembered that I’m important too, and that I should be on the priority list along with everything and everybody else! Sleep is important. Eating is important. Socializing is important. Enjoying the life that I’m creating is important!

So here’s what I’ve changed so far, to start creating work/life balance. I’m happier, healthier, and I feel more rested and peaceful because of these changes.

I Schedule Online Social Time

Every week, I make a few online coffee or lunch dates with friends, and family using ZOOM. Every Wednesday I have a repeating scheduled online happy hour with my sisters and daughter. I FaceTime with distant friends and family. I text with friends or family members that I don’t see very often.

These work for me because it’s the interaction and connection that’s important. I find a pleasant space to hang out, nowhere near my workspace, so I can fully focus and enjoy these visits.

Whatever type of socialization works for you online, do it!

I Have a Schedule

There was a time when I preferred to code for hours without any breaks, but that was not helpful in the long run.

One time, I started at 10 PM and the next time I looked up from my screen it was 6 AM. I had no idea. When I was new to working from home, I didn’t want to have “a schedule”. I really felt that the beauty of working from a home office was that I could work “whenever” I wanted. And often I wanted to work very late at night.

It didn’t take long for this new found “freedom”  to negatively impact my sleep cycle. Having the freedom to work “whenever”, wasn’t working for me at all. I wasn’t tired at night when I should be sleeping, and I was tired all day when I was also working and taking care of other responsibilities.

So I decided to have more structure in my days and nights. In order to keep that feeling of freedom I now use a loosely defined schedule, an outline if you will, beginning between 7 and 8 AM and ending between 4 and 5 PM. But it works for me. I work only half a day on Friday and I don’t work most weekends.

Making myself stick with this structure has fixed my sleep cycle and given back a sense of control over my life.  It impacts how I plan my days. I can work more, or less, depending on what I need to get done.

I Take Breaks

Even with a daily work-outline, I still have a tendency to get immersed in my work,  sometimes to the exclusion of everything else.

When I first started taking little breaks, I worried about how “behind” I was getting in my work. But I soon realized that for some reason, my mind worked better, my thoughts were clear and I was actually more productive after I took a couple of breaks! I had no idea that would happen simply from taking a little time away from my work throughout the day. So I decided to keep taking breaks and make some of them a little bit longer.

I’m getting all of my work done and I don’t feel like I’m falling behind on other responsibilities while I’m working from home.

During a 30 minute break, I might do a little banking. On another break, I’ll make myself a nutritious snack or lunch. On a shorter break, I’ll play with Abby, my dog.

See what I mean? I don’t have a set break schedule but I’m aware that I need to take them and I honor that. I take them in the morning and in the afternoon, at various times and for various lengths, depending on my needs. I no longer drive myself like a workhorse. I’m kinder and more considerate to myself, and it shows in my work. Go figure, huh?

I Get Out of the House

I think one of the best ways to stay sane is to get outside.

As long as you social distance, some ways you can get yourself out of the house are:

If you have a dog, take her for a walk or go to the park for 30 minutes.

Exercise in your home outdoor space.

Take a walk around your neighborhood.

Sit in your yard, or on your porch, or balcony.

Check the mailbox

Get your muscles working and your blood pumping.  Your body will appreciate movement, you’ll get to look at something besides your computer screen. And that brings me to the next thing:

Make a Change of Scenery

I started working from a different area after each break. So on some days, if I’ve had three breaks, I’ve worked in three different areas, including outside. This one really helps me.

My advice to you: change up your workspace now and then. Work in different areas of your house or sit in a different chair or in a different room, so your view changes. Work outside for 30 minutes if you can, sometimes in your front yard, sometimes in the back.

I hope you’ll try a couple of these yourself and see if it makes a positive difference in your life. 🙂

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

In the beginning

When we grow up in a home environment that lacks nurturing, anytime we take care of or focus on ourselves, we consistently receive feedback that we’re self-centered or selfish. Sooner or later, self-care becomes uncomfortable for us.  “Selfish” doesn’t align with our self-image of being a self-sacrificing “helper”. So we begin to judge ourselves for taking time to do things we want, need or enjoy. Eventually, we leave these things out of our lives. We actively ignore our own self-care. Everyone else’s wants and needs become more important than ours. Others become more important than ourselves

Ultimately, we become adults who enjoy “helping” others by telling others what to do. We do this even though they haven’t asked us for our opinion or for our help. We actually believe that we know better what’s right for that person and their life! We love it when we feel needed and we’re attracted to people who need us a LOT. Our self-image and self-esteem are now connected with monitoring others and proactively “helping“ them with their issues and problems.

Helping and fixing feels good, and as full-fledged codependents, we get a lot of satisfaction from living this way. Codependency also stirs up a lot of drama. And drama is exciting, isn’t it?

Are you codependent?

How do you know if you’re using codependent behavior when you relate to others? Well…..have you taken actions to prevent someone from feeling the consequences of their choices? It feels like we’re being really helpful when we do that, doesn’t it? But it’s not helpful. It’s actually quite the opposite.  Ask yourself: am I trying to control the outcome of this situation? If the answer’s yes, it’s likely that you’re using codependent behavior.

Codependent behavior often leaves us feeling resentful. So, if you feel resentful about something you did or are doing for someone, it might be because you’re using codependent behavior, also known as “enabling”.

Adult codependents have been brought up to emotionally care-take others. As kids, we were caretakers for our siblings, and sometimes even for our own parents. Often, we were required to “grow-up” quickly and take responsibilities that were not age-appropriate. If it felt unsafe, we learned how to tippytoe around and how not to upset anyone. We learned how to become invisible and stay “under the radar.” We learned how to monitor other people’s behavior and moods. We learned how to be proactive and meet other people’s needs so that WE could feel a sense of stability and/or safety.

Now, as adults, we’re “people-pleasers” who spend our time finding resolutions for other people’s problems. And we’re proactive! We observe other’s to see what we can do for them.

We become attracted to someone’s potential. And guess what? We have emotional, physical and even financial resources to give them, to help them reach that potential! And we’re willing to give our all. And give it we will! They become our personal “do-it-yourself” project.

We become preoccupied with helping them overcome their problems and obstacles. We feel needed and it feels good because we NEED to be needed!

Managing and “fixing” other people is just one aspect of codependency. Although it often feels good to care-take, we’re often left feeling taken advantage of or resentful. Why is that?

It’s because no one has asked us to fix their problems or their life or to shield them from the consequences of their actions. Deep down we know this. I think deep down we know that what we’re doing is unhealthy and that our focus needs to be on our own lives, but we aren’t comfortable doing that. Or we just don’t know how.  

I learned that I was exercising codependent behavior at a time in my life when I was actively “fixing” aspects of peoples’ lives when they hadn’t asked me to. I was also putting everyone else first, taking care of everyone’s needs even when they hadn’t asked me or expected it. I didn’t put myself on my own “to do” list. I felt exhausted, used, angry and resentful. Continuing to live this way didn’t make sense.

I needed to break this cycle, yet I didn’t know how. Eventually, I learned to “let go” of my controlling behaviors and to allow people the opportunity to feel the consequences of their own actions. This was extremely uncomfortable for me at first, and I often felt guilty for not “doing my job” of jumping in and “helping”.

Then someone told me that I needed to consider that when I get in-between someone and their rightful consequences, I may be interfering with their karma and with the life-lessons intended for them. Wow! I thought about that. With a lot of self-reflection, self-control, and practice, I became much more comfortable backing-off. It became second nature to allow others the dignity to address their own problems and the opportunity to feel the natural consequences of their choices. It got a LOT easier to do as time passed. Now I consciously live this way.

Other codependent behaviors

Robert Subby defines codependency, in his book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, as “an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules -rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal as well as interpersonal problems.”

Codependency includes behaviors like :

• Being preoccupied or concerned with the needs of others
• Placing a low priority on our own needs
• Being attracted to needy and/or emotionally unavailable people
• Believing that we have to be in a romantic relationship before we consider our lives worthwhile
• Trying to control another’s behavior
• Feeling incapable of ending a negative or toxic relationship
• Trying to please everyone even though we know we’ll feel resentful
• Not taking time for ourselves, ignoring our self-care
• Fearing for another’s safety but being willing to risk our own safety 
• Shielding someone from the consequences of their actions
• Taking responsibility for how another person feels
• Trying to fix another person’s problem when they haven’t asked you to
• Wanting to help or fix others because it makes US feel better
• Feeling like our lives are full of unwanted drama

Living as a codependent means that we’re probably not going to get our needs met. Asking feels like imposing.

What are your codependent behaviors?

• Have I/do I try to manage or control someone else’s life?
• Have I taken on responsibilities that aren’t mine?
• Have I been called a control freak?
• Do I “Take care of” others by “cleaning up” their problems?
• Do I keep others from dealing with the consequences of their actions?
• Do I do things for others that they can and should do for themselves? 
• Keep going. Add more to the list!

If we’re codependent, we can learn appropriate ways to change this.

Tools: 

• Remember: We don’t need to attend every argument to which we are invited. 
• Use your voice. Say what you mean and mean what you say. 
• Give others the dignity to make their own choices and mistakes and allow them the opportunity to learn from them. 
• Listen & empathize with someone’s problem or pain without trying to fix it.
• Trust that they’ll be OK without your help. 
• Set some healthy boundaries 
• Use loving detachment
• Do things that you enjoy and that make you feel cared for. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 
• Help others but wait to be asked. Waiting for the Ask is uncomfortable, but we can do hard things.

You may also like these resources:

Toxic Undo

The Toolbox

The Journey

What are expectations?

Setting personal boundaries

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

“No” is a boundary. “No” is a choice. Saying “no I won’t do that” or “I will no longer tolerate ___________” is a way to honor our true feelings.

Saying yes to something when we want to say no can make us feel resentful, used, angry. When we’re co-dependent, we often say “yes” when we want to say “no”, or we say “no” when we really want to say “yes.” But why do we do this?  I think it’s because we’re afraid.  We’re afraid we’ll need to justify saying no or have to explain why we’re saying it. But really, an explanation is not required. It’s actually enough to just say “no.” 

“No” is a complete sentence.

We want to be liked and needed and we’re afraid of losing that. Sometimes we say yes instead of no because we depend on others for a sense of approval or for a sense of identity. We don’t want to lose that. Sometimes we need or want validation. Sometimes we depend on external validation because we haven’t learned to validate ourselves yet. (That’s a discussion for another time.)

We can say “no” with love & compassion. It doesn’t have to be mean. 

“No” is a very clear choice. It’s not negative. It’s an affirmation of our integrity and beliefs. 

It’s important when we’re healing to start saying what we mean and meaning what we say. Your “yes” is stronger and more meaningful if you say “no” now and then. 

We are in control of where to draw the line & how to articulate where we stand. Doing this empowers us. 

Why it’s important to have personal boundaries

I’ve read that it’s far better to use an “assertive no” rather than a “submissive yes.” Think about that.

We lose a part of ourselves when we say yes but want to say no and when we say no but want to say yes. We are people-pleasing then, and we’re not saying what we mean and meaning what we say. We lose our integrity. It’s too high a price to pay. Be true to yourself and say what you mean.  Setting boundaries is a method of showing our integrity. Healthy boundaries help us set limits that protect and empower us. 

Boundaries pertain to “me” and my behavior, rather than to others. They are under my control. I base my personal boundaries on “what I need” to maintain my personal safety, emotional stability, and mental health. 

Boundaries are not intended to be a way to control others. They’re not meant to change another person’s behavior. They’re a way to have personal limits for ourselves. They’re not emotional, they’re facts.

Boundaries protect us from another’s destructive behavior or from engaging in activities that we don’t want to be involved in. Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-care and self-empowerment.

WE get to determine what’s acceptable to us and what’s not. 

Boundaries are not a “do this or else” kind of statement. They are not a threat regarding someone else’s behavior. Enforcing a boundary is not meant to be a way to manipulate or control others. Rather, a boundary is where we “draw the line.” It means you’ve thought about which of their behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not.

How to set healthy boundaries

Setting a boundary requires four things:

1. Acknowledging that you have a specific physical or emotional need that will help you feel happy, safe, healthy, loved, understood, etc.
2. Acknowledging someone’s behavior that’s directly related to or challenges this need. (This is going to be the boundary.)
3. Setting consequences. This is the action you will take when the boundary is broken. When that line is crossed you will need to know ahead of time what you’ll do and be prepared to do it.
4. Possibly informing about the new boundary by stating the above three items. Informing is a choice that you do not have to take. More about that below.

A word about consequences

The consequence (the action that you take) is taken by you to protect yourself or to take you out of a situation.

By following through with the consequence, you’ll be letting the situation play out without you. This is because setting a boundary means we will no longer engage with unacceptable behavior. We choose to lay down our end of the tug-of-war rope and we do something else. What the other person does next is their choice. And the consequences of that choice are theirs too.

We follow through with our stated consequences, understanding that we have no control over what happens next after we take ourselves out of the situation. AND we accept that no matter what happens, we’ll be OK and we won’t step back in to take control. This is the really scary part, because OF COURSE what happens next could affect you.

This fear can make us want to give up the idea of setting boundaries and just remain co-dependent.

The benefits of setting boundaries

To me, having personal boundaries is another form of exercising something called “loving detachment“: meaning that I’m staying in my own personal space regardless of what’s going on around me. I’m not trying to control others and I’m not taking responsibility for their choices. By setting boundaries, I’m consciously and lovingly letting others deal with the consequences of their choices, even if it’s uncomfortable for them. Even if it costs them money, relationships or jobs. There’s definitely a degree of “tough love” involved in setting and enforcing boundaries.

Boundaries are not something that you negotiate about with anyone. No one can determine your boundaries but you, simply because they’re part of your self-care! No one knows what’s best for you more than you do. You don’t need someone’s permission to set a boundary and you don’t need them to approve of it, allow it or agree to it. BOUNDARIES ARE NOT ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOU. THEY ARE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

It’s about choices

Boundaries are not threats or ultimatums:

For example:

“You’d better not do —— ever again or else!”

Instead, a healthy boundary would be more like:

“If you choose to do that then I’ll do this_____. “

It’s about giving someone choices for their behavior rather than taking choices away from them. If your boundary leaves someone with the ability to choose, then it’s probably a healthy boundary. If your boundary takes away their choices except for one, then it’s probably more of an ultimatum or a threat, not a boundary. Keep in mind that the choices you’re leaving them include the THING that you don’t want them to do. The thing that means you’ll enforce the consequences. That’s OK. Just be aware that they may test you to see if you’re serious. Always follow through with the consequences.

To set healthy boundaries, you must understand where you end and others begin. It’s also necessary to have healthy self-worth and self-confidence or to at least be actively engaged in improving those.

Acknowledge what you need

Start by asking yourself:

What do I need, separately, from other people?

This one can be tough. Take the time to explore this over a period of time. Do you need to get to bed earlier than your partner? Do you need quiet time for whatever reason away from your kids every day? Do you need a particular medication or supplement? Do you need to eat or not eat certain things? Does something that a person does or says make you uncomfortable? Does their behavior make you feel emotionally or physically unsafe? Do they regularly disrespect you or say things that are hurtful? Think about people or situations that you would avoid if you could and ask yourself why. If you could change anything, what would it be? Ask yourself: what’s my motivation for setting this boundary?  I’m guessing that your answer is something along the lines of “I want him to stop doing ______” or “I want her to stop treating me like  ________.”

OK. That’s great. Now, because we can’t control other peoples thoughts or behavior, we have to reframe this a bit.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

We can’t make him stop doing _______ and we can’t make her treat you differently. So what CAN we do? We can change what happens if and when they do those things. We can change the outcome for ourselves. We don’t have to stand there and accept unacceptable behavior. This is self-care.

For example,

NEED: I need to feel safe.

The RELATED BEHAVIOR: I don’t feel safe when he _______.

Reality: I can’t control whether he does ________ or not, but I can control ME. So, an appropriate boundary could be something like this:

BOUNDARY: If he does _______,

CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:

1. Walk away

2. Go to a different room

3. Hang up

4. Call someone

5. Leave

6. Take a taxi

7. etc.

If you want to INFORM him: Say something like: “I need to feel safe when I’m with you. I don’t feel safe when you drink and drive. If you drink and choose to drive (boundary) I will call an Uber for myself. (consequence)

Another example:

WANT: I want to maintain my positive feelings about my sisters

The RELATED BEHAVIOR: When mother starts talking negatively about my sisters….

CONSEQUENCE: then I will do this:

1. Change the subject
2. End the conversation and hang up

If you want to INFORM her: Say something like: “I need to feel good about my relationship with my sisters. I don’t like hearing negative, critical and judgemental things about them. If you talk smack about my girls (boundary) I will change the subject or end our conversation (consequence).

Do you see the difference between simply putting up an emotional wall/avoiding certain people/trying to control another’s behavior, and setting a boundary to take care of yourself? Think about the difference. It’s huge.

After you’ve developed a boundary, ask yourself:

Does the boundary take care of me?

Am I trying to control the person’s behavior or am I trying to take care of myself? Is my “boundary” more of a threat or ultimatum?

A healthy boundary should give the other person the ability to make choices. If they are not left with any choice or have only one “choice”, then it’s not a healthy boundary.

To inform them or not

As shown above, the final step you may want to include after you’ve set a boundary, is to inform the people involved. You don’t have to inform, especially if you think doing so will make your boundary to be taken as a challenge. I would say “do not inform” if you think the person will break the boundary just to test you. Do not inform if you think it will provoke an argument or put you in danger. You will carry out your boundary and the consequences, and the person will learn that the boundary exists that way.

However, if you want to inform, you will choose the right time, and simply state your boundary and the consequences, that’s it.  As uncomfortable as it might be to state and enforce a boundary, you may still want to do it as a way of expressing your expectations.

Informing others of your new boundaries can feel scary or intimidating. It doesn’t have to be a lengthy or painful conversation. In fact, I believe that “stating the facts” is all that’s required. You do not need to justify, answer questions or deal with drama. If a tug-of-war is offered, you are not required to engage. Drop your end of the tug-of-war rope and do something else.

Whether you inform or carry out the boundary and consequences without informing, the choice is up to you. I would suggest being very comfortable with the consequences, and know without a doubt that you can carry them out.

Putting it together: Needs, Boundary, Consequence

1. State your need.
2. State your boundary.
3. State the consequence.
4. Inform them or not

Setting boundaries can feel so scary that sometimes we avoid doing it. Start with just one and see how it goes. It takes practice to set boundaries, especially if we haven’t learned how to do it when we were children or if we’ve never seen healthy boundaries in action. Sometimes the boundaries we set, or their consequences, will need to be tweaked or adjusted so they work better. That’s absolutely OK! Just make sure that whatever your consequence is, that you will absolutely be able to carry it out. If we back down and don’t enforce our own boundaries, we can end up feeling defeated or resentful or weak. If we don’t enforce our own boundaries, we’re sending the message that we’re not serious! If you don’t feel you can carry out the consequence, you need to re-think the consequence and create a new one.

What to do when your boundaries are challenged or rejected

This can be tricky. Dealing with someone who’s challenging us or daring us to enforce our boundaries requires us to feel a high degree of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence, or at least for us to be actively working on those things. We’ll need to be able to respond with something like “I understand that you don’t like this (boundary). It’s absolutely something I need and intend to do for myself.”

Sometimes people can be hurtful, critical or judgemental when we start setting and enforcing boundaries. They’re not used to it and they don’t like it. In the spirit of loving detachment, that’s all OK. They don’t have to like it. Whether they like it or not has nothing to do with you or taking care of yourself. So when someone challenges your boundary, remind yourself that you can do hard things. You do hard things every day and you’ve been doing hard things all your life. This is no different.

When they challenge the boundary, you re-state your want/need, the boundary and the consequence. If they go ahead and cross that line anyway, then you go ahead and carry out the consequences.

Tools: 

• Pause. Take time to think. Don’t respond right away. Say something like:”I’m going to need to think about that”, or “I’ll get back to you on that.” 
• Practice saying yes and no to real or imaginary questions. 
• Know when something is your responsibility & when it’s not. Say it nicely, say it with firmness. “No, that’s actually something you should be doing for yourself”.
• Remind yourself that you’re worthy of setting that boundary and that you’re worthy of being fair to yourself. 
• Pay attention to the physical sensations in your body when you think about saying yes or no and then do the thing that honors your body. 
• What are some other things I can say when I don’t want to say yes but I’m uncomfortable saying no? Possible replies:
  • “ I appreciate you asking but no that’s not something I can do”.“
  • “No, I can’t do that but here’s what I can do”
  • “No, but is there something else I could do to help?”
  • “At this time in my life no, I’m sorry I can’t do it” 
  • “No, thank you”
  • “Count me out”
  • “I’ll get back to you”  

You may also like these resources:

The Journey

What are expectations?

Codependency

Understand the Cycle of Abuse

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

Keeping expectations alive makes our peace and happiness inversely proportional to the number of expectations we hold. Think about that! Our peace and happiness are directly related to how many expectations we insist on keeping alive.

Mind reading

Having expectations for others without communicating about them with those others requires them to be skilled in MIND READING. We assume the people in our daily lives will “just know” what we want or need or expect at any given time. We assume that they know that we have expectations and that they already know what those are.  We expect that people will automatically know what we want and we assume that they’ll automatically do those things. When they don’t know about our expectations and don’t do what we want them to, we get resentful. How ridiculous is that? How unfair to them!

Setting reasonable expectations

If we’re using words like “never” and “always” when we state our expectation, it could indicate an unreasonable expectation. Expectations that are unrealistically high can lead to resentment and low expectations can lead to disappointment. Sometimes we purposefully set low expectations hoping we’ll avoid disappointment. When expectations are unrealistic they’re often fear-based.

Sometimes we’re not sure whether our expectations are appropriate or not. It’s often a good idea to ask someone whose integrity you respect to see what they think about your expectations. Sometimes another perspective can be very helpful. 

When we change our attitude about what we expect, it can change the whole interaction.

If we can practice being aware of our expectations, we’re less likely to be disappointed, angry, or resentful if they’re not met. When we grow up in a toxic environment, we may expect that “bad things” will always be part of our experience. We may become adults who expect the worst or who live in fear, making fear-based decisions. Taking a good hard and honest look at our expectations can help us see when we’re being unrealistic.

Here’s the thing: if we practice detaching from any outcome, then the fears, disappointments, and resentments will start to diminish.

We’re always changing, and keeping our expectations flexible is a healthy start.

Tools:

• Examine our expectations. Are they realistic? How can we change that if they’re not?
• How “important” is (fill-in-the-blank)? Is it worth sleepless nights? Is it worth anger, hurt feelings or resentment? How important is it really?
• Let others be who they are.
• Let go: detach. Let go of what people say or didn’t say, or did or didn’t do. Let go of the expectations. Let go of outcomes. “Not my circus, not my clowns”
• Make the goal to be a process of progress. It’s not about perfection. Keywords: process and progress!
• Trust the process.

You may also like these resources:

Learn about the Cycle of Abuse

Learn about setting boundaries 

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

About the author

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare,  Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her book and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and
personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.