The Toolbox
  • The Toxic Undo: (Author Site)
  • Lemon Moms Book Series
  • Free Healing Course
The Toxic Undo: (Author Site)
Lemon Moms Book Series
Free Healing Course
The Toolbox
  • The Toxic Undo: (Author Site)
  • Lemon Moms Book Series
  • Free Healing Course
Browsing Tag
emotions
Anger•Emotions•Expectations

Are you angry? This might be why.

Angry emoji
October 19, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Why so angry?

Are you feeling angry after recognizing someone’s toxicity, dysfunction or narcissism and how it might have negatively affected you?

Do you find your angry feelings so overwhelming that you’re not exactly sure what you’re angry about? Maybe it feels like you’re angry all the time, at just about everyone.

It can be frustrating to feel such a powerful emotion and not understand why it’s so strong, or not be able to control it. It can make you feel bad about yourself and contribute to low self-esteem.

Additionally, anger can create issues between you and others; creating problems in your relationships, or draining away your productivity and energy. So, let’s talk about why you might be feeling so angry after recognizing how someone’s toxicity has negatively impacted you.

When you feel angry if a particular event happens or when you recall a certain memory, it’s because your brain hasn’t fully processed the situation before reacting. These are the knee-jerk reactions known as “triggers.” To identify our particular triggers, we need to examine our angry feelings in deeper detail.

What’s going on here?

When we stop and take a closer look, anger can provide us with important information. When you understand what is triggering your anger, you can heal those triggers. When your triggers are healed, you’ll be able to feel angry without over-reacting. You’ll be able to feel angry and still be in control of what you say and do. Learning to control anger and its triggers are a step in learning “emotional regulation,” something that you may not have gotten a chance to do as a child.

angry-cat Are you angry? This might be why.

Anger is actually a secondary emotion. When you get angry, it feels like it’s the first and only emotion you feel, but that’s not what’s really happening. What actually happens is that you feel something else first, before the anger, and THAT emotion is what triggers the anger. In all likelihood, you have a memory or experience an event, and your mind interprets it so quickly that you don’t even notice it, but you feel something. That “something” triggers the anger.

“Emotions” are feelings that have thoughts connected to them. Understanding this, you will see the importance of your interpretation of that first fleeting feeling (and trigger) that ignites the anger. It’s that first thought, that interpretation which gives meaning to the event or memory and sparks the anger.

For those of us healing from the effects of someone’s probable or diagnosed narcissism, or chronic toxicity, our anger is most likely associated with painful past experiences. If you haven’t dealt with those traumatic experiences, your anger will be triggered more easily. You may feel angry much of the time.

Feeling anger is also a way of protecting ourselves. Have you ever thought of that? Sometimes we use anger to keep others at a distance so we don’t get hurt again. This can become an internal conflict: we don’t want to feel angry, but we don’t want to be hurt again either.

In my childhood family of origin, the rules were that it was OK for my mother to openly display anger at whomever she chose, for any reason, but I was not allowed to express anger without risking punishment. If we grew up with a mother who was intolerant of anyone’s anger but her own, then as adults we have some specific challenges that need to be dealt with. If we were not allowed to express all of our emotions, including anger, because they were judged or punished, we may have learned that anger is bad, frightening, useless, unfair, should be avoided, denied, or held inside.

When you grow up believing these things about anger and enter adulthood holding these beliefs, you’ll likely behave in ways that demonstrate that you believe your anger is useless or irrelevant (victimhood), or you may not know how to express anger in a healthy manner. You may even feel guilty for having angry feelings. Guilt on top of anger. Great!

These are aspects of “Childhood Emotional Neglect,” which occurs when parents don’t notice, respond to, or validate their child’s feelings, including anger.

Essentially, if we’ve been emotionally neglected, we’ll have no coping mechanisms for dealing with anger, and we may become passive-aggressive. (This means that we’ll act out our anger by doing things that don’t look like they’re done in anger but are the result of feeling angry. Passive aggression includes behaviors like: making intentional “mistakes,” procrastinating something that’s important to someone else, disguising criticism as compliments, feeling resentful, sabotaging, ignoring, slamming and banging objects, and saying “nothing’s wrong” when your behavior or body language clearly says there is.

Let’s unpack it

Our reactions are what’s important, not the memory or event itself. A memory or an event doesn’t really have any meaning until we give it one. Think about that.  

We give the memory or event a meaning with our interpretation of it. We interpret memories and events so that we know how to think about and deal with them. And while you’re interpreting, you’re also making judgments (whether you’re conscious of it or not) about whether that memory or event is “good,” “bad,” or “neutral.” That decision is based on how you’re emotionally feeling at the time.  Here’s an example I use in the book “Lemon Moms”:

Can the weather cause you to feel an emotion? If you’re inside today, cozy and warm, with nothing planned, and it begins to storm, do you feel any emotion about it? What emotion would you feel? Would others feel the same way about it as you do? Why or why not? If you’re getting married today, and it begins to rain, you’ll probably experience some feelings about it that might be different than how you’d usually feel about rain. You might be disappointed, angry, or sad. What else might you feel? Is the rain causing those feelings, or is your interpretation of it causing your feelings? Do you see the difference?

If you’re a farmer, anticipating the end of a long, detrimental drought, you’d probably be ecstatically happy about the rain. It would mean that you wouldn’t lose your crops, and you’d have some income to pay your bills, replenish your supplies, and pay your employees.

In each example, the meaning, or “interpretation” given to “rain” is very different, and the resulting emotions will align with that meaning.

If I ask ten people about how they feel about it the next time it rains, I’d get ten different answers. That’s important to remember. Our reactions are all about our interpretation and the judgment we give to the initial feeling.

So, why is that?

Our interpretations and judgments have to do with our expectations and our emotional state.

As we know, emotions are not data; they’re not factual. Emotions are driven by chemicals in our bodies, called hormones. They are also affected by other variables such as our environment, physical health, age, worldview, self-talk, sleep quality and quantity, stress levels, food choices, beliefs, memories, thoughts, and much more. All of these, and more, can and do affect our emotional state.

If you have a particular memory, or an event, that causes you to feel angry, you need to unpack that angry reaction step-by-step and look at all of the pieces involved. Right before the anger, what do you feel? Maybe you feel belittled? Humiliated? Shamed? Unimportant? Ignored? Not mattering to someone? Slighted? Insulted? Mocked? Dismissed? There’s a pretty good chance that you feel one of those, or something closely related.

angry-eggs Are you angry? This might be why.

Those primary feelings triggered the anger, NOT the memory or the event. NOT what the person said or didn’t say, did, or didn’t do. Yep, you heard that right. The first fleeting, almost imperceptible feeling that you felt (insulted, dismissed, unimportant, etc.) came from your interpretation and judgment of the memory or event, and is what triggered your anger.

Let’s say someone just did or said something, and you felt that they were saying (or thinking) that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. and you immediately felt angry. But upon closer inspection, you see that they didn’t actually SAY it. That was your interpretation of what they said. The meaning of what was said is coming from you! Can you see that? Your interpretation may be correct or incorrect. The person has not actually said that you’re not important, that you don’t matter, that you should be ashamed, that you’re stupid, etc. It just feels to you, through your interpretation, like that’s what they said or implied. Do you see how your interpretation can drastically affect what happens next?

This interpreting happens quickly and you’re probably not aware of it when it happens. That’s because it happens unconsciously. But after today, if you start to apply conscious awareness, you will become more and more aware of it.

You’ll see that the meaning and judgment cause you to feel some primary emotion; shame, feeling unimportant, dismissed, disrespected, mocked, etc. That primary emotion triggers your anger. Once you’re aware of this process, you can stop right there and question whether your interpretation is accurate or not.

Why are you giving the memory or event that particular interpretation? Why not a different one? Look deeper to see what else is happening that could be impacting your perception and judgment.

By taking the time to understand where your anger comes from, you’ll learn a lot about yourself and begin to heal those triggers. You’ll begin feeling a new sense of peace and calm. When someone or something triggers you, you’ll understand what’s happening and be able to deal with it. Sometimes all it takes is awareness of what’s happening “behind the scenes” in your brain. With a little practice, you’ll begin responding to your triggers in a different, healthier way. You’ll begin seeing your anger as a tool that you control, rather than as an emotion that controls you.

Any time you feel angry, whether it’s slightly ticked-off, annoyed, or full-blown furious, get in the habit of asking yourself, “Why am I angry right now? What was the primary emotion I felt?” “What interpretation have I given it?” “Why am I giving it that interpretation instead of some other?” It’ll bring you a step closer to learning how to regulate your emotions, and that’s something many of us didn’t get to learn, if we grew up in an emotionally neglectful home.

Tools for healing:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Practice mindfulness.

Understand the abuse cycle

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations

Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us. We can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice.

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Take the Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz

Learn about Narcissism Awareness Grief


About the author

Diane-Circle-1-150x150 Are you angry? This might be why.

Diane Metcalf is an experienced advocate, speaker, and writer on the topics of domestic violence, abuse, and family dysfunction. Currently, she writes about toxic relationships and recovery tools. Diane holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology and has worked in numerous fields, including domestic violence and abuse. She also holds a Master of Science degree in Information Technology.

As a result of growing up in a dysfunctional home, and with the help of professional therapists and continued personal growth, she has developed strong coping skills and healing strategies. She happily shares those insights with others who want to learn and recover. 

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

 

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Reading time: 10 min
Trauma•Uncertainty

Why are we hearing so much about self-care?

man looking in microscope
March 18, 2020 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Control what you put in your brain

I’m tired of hearing about the coronavirus. But at the same time, I want and need to stay apprised of what’s happening. Things are changing very quickly, almost hourly, and it’s tempting to keep the TV on just to stay “in the know“. But here’s the thing: staying glued to news programs can overwhelm you, release stress hormones, cause insomnia, worry and unnecessary anxiety.I

I’m not saying don’t watch the news, but know when to turn it off or temporarily disengage. Events are unfolding at such a rapid pace that it’s hard to keep up. Immersing yourself in the negativity without taking breaks for helpful and healing activities will affect your thoughts and your body negatively.

I experienced this myself last Tuesday. Until then, I thought I was handling the unfolding events very well. But quite unexpectedly, I had a surge of overwhelming feelings and I found myself crying with no real “reason“ for it. I felt like I just couldn’t handle another piece of information. It felt good to cry, and, I suggest that you do some crying too. Crying is like a pressure valve. It lets out the feelings we’ve been holding inside while trying to stay strong. But we’re strong even when we cry. I think it’s a smart healing-thing to do, and we feel more clearheaded, grounded and calm when we’re finished.

We ‘re all experiencing traumatic events right now. We may be overwhelmed with information coming through the radio, TV, friends, family, neighbors, or social media. We may not know what to think or what to do. We may become hyper-vigilant, trying to keep up, putting our flight or fight survival mode into overdrive. This means dealing with an excess of hormones like cortisol, (which can cause, among other things, slower healing, weakness, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headaches) and adrenaline (which among other things, increases heart rate and blood pressure). It also means that our hippocampus and amygdalae won’t be able to store short term memories properly, and you may find yourself feeling scatterbrained.

What you can do

Take frequent breaks from the input. Taking breaks can also feel overwhelming and traumatizing at first. It’s important to know that if you find yourself getting overwhelmed, feeling stressed or anxious, you should turn off the media and do something healing for yourself. Take a bath or a shower, clean a room, rearrange your pantry, clean out a drawer, take inventory of your supplies, journal, reach out to a friend; anything that will make you feel better and serve as a distraction from the situation. Think of all the things you can do to make you feel better and use that list over the next several weeks.

Think back to a time when you felt overwhelmed and life was uncertain, and you got through it. Remind yourself that you coped then, and you will this time, too. Focus less on the changes and uncertainty and instead focus on centering, grounding and calming yourself. Go back to watching the news when you feel you can handle it. Watch in short doses, taking short breaks in between.

woman-wearing-mask-3873194-1-150x150-1 Why are we hearing so much about self-care?

If you’re stuck at home, use this new gift of time to do the things you’ve been putting off. Get started writing that book, read to your kids, organize your digital photos, organize a closet. You get the idea. Think of the things you’ve been wanting to do and wishing you had the time to do, then start doing them. It’s amazing what getting into the “flow“ does to make you feel accomplished.

Connect with people using social media. See if you have “Nextdoor.com” for your neighborhood and connect electronically with your neighbors. You can share information about stores and product availability, other resources, and important information.

Check-in on elderly loved ones and elderly neighbors. Help whoever you can.

Read uplifting material whether it’s spiritual text, poetry, or old love letters. Watch comedies. Read that book you’ve been wanting to read!

Journal! Not only will writing get worries off your mind, but it could be a keepsake for your children later on; a historical record of what’s happening and your thoughts and feelings about it.

Do something physically challenging for stress relief. Jog in place, or pull out one of those old exercise videos and have at it. Make a game of it with your kids. Movement feels good and releases endorphins and other calming hormones. So does guided meditation, yoga, and stretching. Do the things that help you feel grounded, like praying or gratitude exercises.

Control what you’re eating. Sugars and carbs cause inflammation, and inflammation lowers immunity.

Amp up your current healing journey: I’m releasing a special black-and-white printable PDF version of the Companion Healing Workbook for “Lemon Mom’s” this week instead of May as planned.

Look for it on DianeMetcalf.com.

The full-color, bound version will be available for purchase on Amazon when “Lemon Moms” is released this spring.

Although “Lemon Moms” has not been published yet, (we’re in the formatting and cover-design phase!) the companion workbook will take you through multiple healing activities that you can start even before reading the book.

Six things that keep your immunity high

  1. Eat healthy foods in moderation and take a daily multivitamin.
  2. Exercise for 30 minutes daily.
  3. Get enough sleep.
  4. Wash your hands.
  5. Minimize or stop alcohol consumption.
  6. Quit smoking. Now is a great time!

Make time for yourself

As we become accustomed to these new events and our new temporary lifestyle, put yourself on your own to-do list. Make yourself a priority too. Remember, airlines always tell us to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. There’s a reason for that: you’re not going to be of any use to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first.

Stay well, and, stay healthy my friends.

Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions. Learn about setting boundaries 

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Practice mindfulness

Learn about codependency and maladaptive coping skills

Learn about C-PTSD

Recognize the Cycle of Abuse


About the author

DianeM-1-150x150 Why are we hearing so much about self-care?

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

 

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Reading time: 6 min
Cognitive Dissonance•Narcissism

How gaslighting causes C-PTSD

gaslighting
September 6, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

What is gaslighting?

“Gaslighting” is an expression borrowed from the 1938 stage play Gaslight. In the story, a husband tries to drive his wife insane by dimming their home’s gas-powered lights. When his wife notices and comments, he denies that the home illumination has changed in any way. The scheme causes her to begin doubting her perception, judgment, and reality.

Narcissists intentionally gaslight others to cause an emotional or physical reaction. When their target reacts, it’s a form of narcissistic supply, which makes the narcissist feel stronger. The narcissist remains calm and rational, which causes their target to feel insecure and irrational. 

How do I know if I’m being gaslighted?

When you’re being gaslighted, you don’t always know what’s happening, but you may intuitively feel that something isn’t right. You’re primarily confused, stressed, and frustrated, but you can’t figure out the reason why. It gives a narcissist a huge amount of power and control for you to feel these emotions. It’s “narcissistic supply” for them, and emotional abuse for you, in the form of a mind game. (Narcissistic supply is the insatiable need for attention that a narcissist craves, used to prop up and feed their sense of self-worth and self-esteem.) When a narcissist gaslights, they feel superior in controlling your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and perceptions. 

You’re likely being gaslighted if:

  • Your narcissist uses your fears or insecurities against you. If you divulge any insecurities or personal worries, at some point, they will be used against you in some manner. Again, this allows the narcissist to feel superior to you as a form of supply.
  • Your narcissist wants you to think they know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes, they may say they know what you’re thinking, and if you tell them they’re wrong, they’ll believe you’re lying. They may roll their eyes at you or make a disgusted face, even state that you’re lying. Narcissists simply cannot allow themselves to be wrong.
  • Your narcissist has you do things for them that aren’t appropriate (or morally right or legal, etc.) and tells you that it’s OK.
  •  If you’re regularly told that something’s “normal” when you know it isn’t, then you’re probably being gaslighted. For example, when I was a child, my mother frequently had me lie to adults on her behalf. Usually, the lie was that she had a headache, or that she didn’t feel well, or wasn’t at home. She just expected me to do this without question. Growing up this way, I believed this was normal. Later, in my teens, when I started to recognize that this wasn’t something all kids had to do, I refused to do it anymore. It felt wrong, and it felt like I was being used. I thought that she should, as the adult, speak to the other adult herself. She made it known that she was disgusted with me for expecting her to be honest or at the very least, to do her own lying. The ironic thing here is that my mother was very vocal about how much she detested liars. She took a strong stand against lying and stated that once someone lied to her, she could never trust them again. She touted herself as a truthful and honest, trustworthy person.
  • Your narcissist “diagnoses” you and tells you what’s wrong with you. You’re informed that you’re mentally ill, that you need help, or that you have “issues.” When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they will insult you and question your judgment or your sanity. They may tell you that you need therapy or medication. This really isn’t about you, though. In fact, it has nothing to do with you; it’s all about their need to feel superior and in control of you, and your relationship.
  • Your narcissist rewrites history. They inform you that what you know to be accurate or real, is not accurate, real, correct or factual. Then will then tell you what is.
  • Your narcissist tells you that your memory is faulty. Narcissists may recall or retell a memory very differently than you, which is OK, since we all perceive differently. The problem here is that they will describe their behavior or reaction as rational, good and righteous, but spin yours as irrational or shameful. In their version, they are always either the hero or the victim.
hand-with-brain-150x150-1 How gaslighting causes C-PTSD

What does gaslighting do?

Gaslighting can have severe effects, especially if it’s ongoing. You may find yourself lying if it helps you avoid the stress of having your reality discarded and re-written. Or you may lie simply to avoid the inevitable arguments. You’ll do what needs to be done to prevent your narcissist from becoming triggered, angry, or abusive. 

A significant symptom of gaslighting is the constant feeling of confusion or being off-balance. It’s one of the most challenging aspects to healing because we’ve learned to disregard our intuition and our sense of trust, indeed sometimes our whole perception of reality. Because we may have learned to trust our narcissist’s interpretation of the world and rely on it instead of our own, we begin to doubt our reality and we convince ourselves that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct.

How does being gaslighted feel?

There’s a feeling of things not “adding up,” and you get confused and disoriented easily, when having arguments or conversations with them. You may possibly feel as if reality isn’t actually “real.” I came to think of these discrepancies as a flaw within myself, instead of in my mother. I had obsessive thoughts, trying to figure out and make sense of the disparity between what I observed myself, knowing what I saw or heard, and what I was told that I saw or heard (or didn’t see or hear.) The internal conflict this causes often leads to us accepting that our narcissist’s version of reality is correct. This is called cognitive dissonance. It’s a way of making sense of what’s happening, to feel less confused.

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist who’s gaslighting you, you may get unexpected or inappropriate responses to common questions or actions, and your own reactions may be determined to be incorrect or unreasonable. You may start to wonder why your narcissist gives you strange looks that make you question yourself. Fearful for your mental health, you worry that you might be losing your mind. You might begin thinking that you’re the illogical one, or that you’re mentally ill. You likely feel confused all the time, but your observations are never validated.

You’ll even come to doubt your own memory. This was a big one for me. Because my mother liked to overwrite my perceptions and memories with her own, I heard a lot of, “I never said that,” “You imagined it,” or “You dreamed it.” This was the attribute of gaslighting that harmed me the most. Continually being told that I perceived, and therefore remembered, events incorrectly had me in a continual state of self-doubt and confusion. It negatively impacted my ability to make decisions and to trust my own judgment and perceptions.

This form of abuse leads to feeling depressed, anxious, helpless, hopeless, or exhausted. You may feel surreal, like you’re invisible, or like you don’t exist. Your sense of reality may seem” fuzzy” around the edges, and you can’t think clearly. You probably have trouble problem-solving and making decisions because you doubt your judgment or your observations. 

And while you’re struggling with all of this, your narcissist will continue to play the mind games, twisting your perception of reality.

Eventually, you may begin to depend on your narcissist to tell what’s real and what isn’t. You’ll rely on them to tell you what happened, how it happened and how you should remember it. If the gaslighting is constant, your reality will depend on their interpretation of it. You’ll begin to lose your sense of self. If this happens, you’ve likely started to dissociate and become the version of “you” that your narcissist already believes you are.


Tools:

Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.

Self-care: We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.

Set boundaries 

Understand the Abuse Cycle

Learn about codependency

Learn about letting go of what you can’t control, by using loving-detachment

Learn about expectations


About the author

DianeM-1-150x150 How gaslighting causes C-PTSD

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

 

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Please share!

Reading time: 8 min
Codependency•Isolation

Feeling isolated sucks

kitten
June 15, 2019 by Diane M. Metcalf, MS No Comments

Why is isolation harmful?

Emotional isolation is a complex set of feelings and actions. It’s that sense of loneliness, or of not belonging, that we get when we feel ignored, invisible, or like we don’t matter.

If we don’t have a voice (meaning that we don’t have a “say” in a decision-making process, or if we do speak up, our input doesn’t count) we may feel alone, separated, or isolated from others.

Isolation feels like disconnectedness, being unattached, singular, on our own, forever-solo. And we can feel that way even when we’re not physically alone. There have been times that I’ve felt isolated in a room full of people!

Our isolation can make us feel as though we’re unimportant to everyone and that we matter to no-one, sometimes not even to ourselves.

What leads to isolation?

When we intentionally (or unintentionally) withdraw or cocoon, or we don’t respond when others reach out to us, (or WE don’t reach out) we are cutting ourselves off from humanity.  When we live inside our heads, not sharing our thoughts or feelings, we’re actually practicing an act of isolation. Isolating in this way is a type of numbing, a kind of “hiding” from ourselves or from reality. Sometimes it’s connected with denial.

teddy-bear-150x150 Feeling isolated sucks

Growing up in a home where there’s no emotional inter-connectedness with our family members or no real communication, often leads to experiencing feelings of isolation. When we feel ignored, invisible or insignificant as a child,  it’s easy to continue using these same maladaptive relationship patterns after we become adults. As a result, we may continue to let others make our decisions for us without the benefit of us sharing our thoughts or feelings. We choose to silence our voices because we believe that what we say doesn’t matter. We give away our personal power because we’re not even aware that we have any power.

When we’ve been traumatized by narcissism, alcoholism, addiction or any other type of toxicity, whether as a child or as an adult, we often feel like we can’t talk about it with others. We prefer to keep our thoughts and feelings to ourselves because we feel ashamed or embarrassed. Sometimes we criticize and judge ourselves for becoming isolated, or for being in a particular situation, or with a certain person. Sometimes we fear other’s judgment or criticism of our choices, and sometimes it simply feels like no one will be able to understand. We may feel at fault for our circumstances and we isolate ourselves to hide our shame and our secrets.

Brene’ Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and she’s well known for studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. Brene’ firmly believes that we have to “walk through vulnerability to get to courage”, therefore . . . we should “embrace the suck.”

In her book I thought it was just me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”, Ms. Brown describes shame as a “silent epidemic”, something that everybody experiences at some point in their lives.

She goes on to say that “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”. Personally, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that shame is associated with depression, guilt, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction, and violence. (habitsforwellbeing.com)

~By isolating, we prolong the pain.~

Patterns of Isolation 

By entertaining thoughts of “I don’t belong”, or by judging ourselves as “not good enough”, we close ourselves off from others. This avoidance-tactic can be used to hide from ourselves or from others, and even from reality. There are lots of ways to hide! We can hide physically, mentally, spiritually and/or emotionally. We may stop socializing and interacting. We may feel like keeping secrets and hiding or cocooning so we begin keeping to ourselves, and not reaching out for help or support. We may emotionally (or physically!) push others away. We interact with friends or family less often and when we do, topics of conversation become superficial, and we steer clear of conversations about our personal or home-life. We avoid any chance of getting emotionally triggered or of triggering others. We avoid embarrassment by not accepting social invitations. 

What we’re actually doing is trying to avoid potential or imagined pain. 

The Power of Our Thoughts

“Closed-thinking” is an orderly and pretty inflexible task-based way of thinking. When we use a closed-thought process, we focus solely on “the goal”, and getting something accomplished. We’re pressured and probably feel stressed because there’s usually a time-limit or due date involved. Even self-imposed due dates can feel stressful.

Conversely, “open-thinking” feels more relaxed.  When we use open-thinking we don’t feel rushed because there is no hurry, there is no “due date.”  We don’t feel pressured or stressed. With open-thinking, we enjoy the process of “playing around” with our beliefs and ideas instead of focusing on time-sensitive outcomes.

Is it surprising to know that isolation thrives on closed-thinking? It’s no wonder isolation can feel so suffocating and hopeless.

We all have the ability to use open thinking, but many of us don’t have experience using our minds this way. Maybe we never learned how, or we never saw it modeled. Maybe life simply feels too heavy or serious right now to “play around” with ideas. Perhaps the idea of learning a new way of thinking makes us tired or uncomfortable.

Trying to learn how to think openly can certainly feel uncomfortable at first, and using this less restrictive process will remain difficult if we don’t practice.

Thinking openly means that we give ourselves time to daydream about possibilities and the space to read and research and envision scenarios. “What if” we were to do this instead of that? What would that look like? How might it feel? Open thinking involves thinking creatively (instead of purely logically) and collaborating with others. Bouncing ideas off somebody we respect and trust can show us new perspectives and can open up new possibilities.

Breaking Isolation

Breaking our isolation means that we have to begin trusting people and changing our perspective. We have to start taking chances and participate in our life. Sharing ourselves with others and getting comfortable with our own vulnerability are the antidotes for isolation. 

Brene’ Brown says: “Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough” and “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome”.

Her research findings can effectively be summarized in this statement: “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”

Try reaching out to someone today. Just do one thing to break your isolation. Letting yourself be vulnerable will get easier with practice, I promise.

Tools:

  • Self-care
  • Identify the Cycle of Abuse
  • Recognize codependent coping skills
  • Everyone makes choices. Are you choosing to stay in suffering-mode? Why or why not?
  • Respond rather than react. (Homework: look up the difference between reacting and responding. Try responding the next time you have the opportunity. See how it feels)
  • Have a plan for ending the isolation.
  • Reframe your viewpoint: a shift in perspective can help us to determine what’s most valuable to us so we don’t waste emotional energy on less important things. Perspective is everything.
  • Be open to new ideas that we weren’t open to in the past. Open-mindedness will help us take advantage of new resources as they become available.
  • Conscious awareness:  Be aware and make conscious choices before acting. Self-awareness releases us from making impulsive and potentially damaging decisions.
  • Progress not perfection: Let’s give ourselves credit and just enjoy being human! No one is perfect. People just like to pretend they are.
  • Live in the present: Be willing to give up worrying about the future. The future doesn’t exist, so we can’t predict or control it. Give up worrying about the past too because the past doesn’t exist either, it’s a mental construction. The past is the “snapshot” we hold of an event that was processed by our own personal and unique filters. Focusing on the present moment is the only state of being that we can actually influence.
  • I’m in control of me. We can only choose to focus on and be responsible for ourselves, our own thoughts, actions, and behavior. The good news is that we can change ourselves with patience, persistence, and practice. We can take responsibility for getting our needs met, instead of waiting for someone to change or meet our needs for us. We are in control of ourselves and no one is responsible for us but us.
  • Set boundaries 
  • Do things you enjoy or that make you feel good. Taking care of ourselves and enjoying life is not selfish. 

More Brene’ Brown Quotes:

“When we’re defined by what people think, we lose the courage to be vulnerable. Therefore, we need to be selective about the feedback we let into our lives. For me, if you’re not in the arena also getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” – Brené Brown

 “You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” – Brené Brown


About the author

Diane-Circle-1-150x150 Feeling isolated sucks

Diane Metcalf earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in Psychology in 1982 and a Master of Science in Information Technology in 2013.

She has held Social Worker, Counselor and Managerial Positions in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abuse, Geriatric Healthcare, Developmental Disabilities, and Reproductive Health. She is an experienced Advocate and Speaker on the topics of Domestic Violence and Abuse and has been a guest on Lockport Community Television (LCTV), sharing her knowledge and experience regarding Domestic Abuse with the local community. In addition, she experienced Maternal Narcissistic Abuse and has been involved in other toxic relationships. She purposefully learned (and continues to learn) appropriate coping skills and strategies to live happily. She shares those insights here.

Her books and articles are the results of her education, knowledge, and personal insight regarding her own abusive experiences and subsequent recovery work. She is no longer a practicing Social Worker, Counselor, Program Manager or Advocate, nor is she or has she ever been a licensed psychologist.

Currently, Diane runs her own website design company, Image and Aspect, and writes articles and tutorials for Tips and Snips, her inspirational blog for creative people. She continues to learn and write about Emotional Healing.

This website is intended for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy.

 

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